1.How many successful jumps do a marine paratrooper has to make before he is ready for combat?
Ans: All of them.
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2.Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Ans: Because the captain was sitting on the deck.
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3.What do you call a fish without an eye?
Ans: Fsh.
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4.Why do giraffes have such long necks?
Ans: For staring at elephants when they are in their nests.
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5.What do you call a donkey with three legs missing?
Ans: A wonkey!
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6. How can you tell if you are overweight?
Ans: You stop on a scale at the amusement park and your fortune reads: "One at a time, please!"
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7. What do you get if you ride the Space Shuttle with Kermit the frog?
Ans: Star warts!
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8. Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
Ans: You get repossessed.
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9. What do you call a fly with no wings?
Ans: A walk.
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10. How do you know when you're getting old?
Ans: Your knees buckle but your belt don't.
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11. Do you know what Beethoven has been for the past 200 years?
Ans: ......decomposing.
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12. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
Ans: either - A jar of peanut butter with very good memory, or - An elephant that stick to the root of your mouth.
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13. What is big, yellow, has four wheels, and lies on its back?
Ans: A dead school bus.
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14. Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
Ans: Playing marbles.
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15. Look at the V - Formation, of geese flying overhead...do you know why one side of V is longer than the other?
Ans: There are more geese that side.
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16. How do you stop elephants from charging?
Ans: Take away their credit cards.
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17. Who had the best food n the Titanic?
Ans: The sharks.
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18. Why did they have to tear down the new sports stadium in Warsaw?
Ans: Because every where you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
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19. Why did the strawberry cry?
Ans: Because, his mother was in a jam.
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20. What happened when the little boy dropped his ice - cream in the pool?
Ans: He made an ice - cream float.
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21. Why was the lettuce cold?
Ans: Because it wasn't dressed.
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22. Why don't lobsters share their toys?
Ans: Because they are shellfish.
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23. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Ans: Russel.
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24. What's black, white, green and brown?
Ans: A cow in a muddy field with a runny nose.
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25. What do you call a mosquito on vacation?
Ans: An itch - hiker.
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26. What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Ans: "Dam!"
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27. What goes oom, oom, oom?
Ans: A cow walking backwards.
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28. What do cows go on Friday nights?
Ans: They go to the movies.
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29. What is black and white, and black and white, and black and white, and black and white....
Ans: A nun rolling down the hill.
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30. What's the difference between a cloud a boy who is being spanked?
Ans: One pours rain and the other roars with pain.
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31. What's big and green, has six legs, and if it falls out of a tree on you will it kick you?
Ans: A pool table.
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32. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Ans: Matt.
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33. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Ans: Art.
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34. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs but a good swimmer?
Ans: Bob.
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35. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under a car?
Ans: Jack.
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36. How do you catch a polar bear?
Ans: You cut a hold in the ice and line the hole with peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
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37. Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race?
Ans: It ended in a tie!
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38.How can you tell if you're in Canada?
Ans: In July the standard greeting is 'have a nice day'. In January it's 'have an ice day'.
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39. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs water skiing?
Ans: Skip.
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40. How do you make a holy water?
Ans: You boil the hell out of it.
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41. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Ans: Because they have big fingers.
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42. Did you hear about the picket thieves?
Ans: They took offence.
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43. What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and Janet Jackson?
Ans: One's still Black!
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44. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
Ans: A receding hare line.
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45. If four vehicles arrive at an intersection with a four way stop, who has the right of the way?
Ans: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker that reads, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
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46. Why wasn't the little boy scared when he found a lion in his garden?
Ans: It was a dandelion.
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47. Why was the elephant the last animal off on Noah's Ark?
Ans: Because it had to pack its trunk.
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48. In Scissor World, what is the world's tallest building?
Ans: The Shears Tower.
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49. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Ans: Because then they'd be called bay gulls.
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50. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because he was dead.
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51. Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because it was dead.
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52. Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because he was holding onto the first one.
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53. Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because he thought that it was a game.
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54. Why did the tree fall down?
Ans: Because it thought that it was an elephant.
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55. Why did the cop climb the tree?
Ans: Because he worked for a special branch.
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6. How can you tell if you are overweight?
Ans: You stop on a scale at the amusement park and your fortune reads: "One at a time, please!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. What do you get if you ride the Space Shuttle with Kermit the frog?
Ans: Star warts!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
Ans: You get repossessed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. What do you call a fly with no wings?
Ans: A walk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. How do you know when you're getting old?
Ans: Your knees buckle but your belt don't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. Do you know what Beethoven has been for the past 200 years?
Ans: ......decomposing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
Ans: either - A jar of peanut butter with very good memory, or - An elephant that stick to the root of your mouth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. What is big, yellow, has four wheels, and lies on its back?
Ans: A dead school bus.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
Ans: Playing marbles.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Look at the V - Formation, of geese flying overhead...do you know why one side of V is longer than the other?
Ans: There are more geese that side.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16. How do you stop elephants from charging?
Ans: Take away their credit cards.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17. Who had the best food n the Titanic?
Ans: The sharks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18. Why did they have to tear down the new sports stadium in Warsaw?
Ans: Because every where you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19. Why did the strawberry cry?
Ans: Because, his mother was in a jam.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20. What happened when the little boy dropped his ice - cream in the pool?
Ans: He made an ice - cream float.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21. Why was the lettuce cold?
Ans: Because it wasn't dressed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22. Why don't lobsters share their toys?
Ans: Because they are shellfish.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Ans: Russel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24. What's black, white, green and brown?
Ans: A cow in a muddy field with a runny nose.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25. What do you call a mosquito on vacation?
Ans: An itch - hiker.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26. What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Ans: "Dam!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27. What goes oom, oom, oom?
Ans: A cow walking backwards.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28. What do cows go on Friday nights?
Ans: They go to the movies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29. What is black and white, and black and white, and black and white, and black and white....
Ans: A nun rolling down the hill.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30. What's the difference between a cloud a boy who is being spanked?
Ans: One pours rain and the other roars with pain.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31. What's big and green, has six legs, and if it falls out of a tree on you will it kick you?
Ans: A pool table.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Ans: Matt.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Ans: Art.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs but a good swimmer?
Ans: Bob.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under a car?
Ans: Jack.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36. How do you catch a polar bear?
Ans: You cut a hold in the ice and line the hole with peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37. Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race?
Ans: It ended in a tie!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
38.How can you tell if you're in Canada?
Ans: In July the standard greeting is 'have a nice day'. In January it's 'have an ice day'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs water skiing?
Ans: Skip.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40. How do you make a holy water?
Ans: You boil the hell out of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
41. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Ans: Because they have big fingers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
42. Did you hear about the picket thieves?
Ans: They took offence.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
43. What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and Janet Jackson?
Ans: One's still Black!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
Ans: A receding hare line.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45. If four vehicles arrive at an intersection with a four way stop, who has the right of the way?
Ans: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker that reads, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46. Why wasn't the little boy scared when he found a lion in his garden?
Ans: It was a dandelion.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
47. Why was the elephant the last animal off on Noah's Ark?
Ans: Because it had to pack its trunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
48. In Scissor World, what is the world's tallest building?
Ans: The Shears Tower.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
49. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Ans: Because then they'd be called bay gulls.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because he was dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51. Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because it was dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52. Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because he was holding onto the first one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
53. Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Ans: Because he thought that it was a game.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54. Why did the tree fall down?
Ans: Because it thought that it was an elephant.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55. Why did the cop climb the tree?
Ans: Because he worked for a special branch.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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